Every relationship is a third element.
When you connect with someone and they connect with you, the both of you create something together: the relationship. And the relationship is a being of it's own.
Think about how you are a different version of yourself with each of your relationships, how each of them birth new and different nuances of who you and the other person are.
Every time you connect with them, you are strengthening that third being, in positive or negative ways. And the image of the person becomes a trigger that activates, that calls upon that third being. For a second you are an individual, and upon connecting with them, you become a part of them, you are no longer just you.
This is the basis for understanding the soulmate connection. And I want to be clear when I say soulmate, I don't mean an ideal partner that is somewhere out there and all that nonsense. The soulmate path is simply the path of uniting with one's divine self. You can do this individually (such as priests or just about any religion that practices lifetime celibacy) or through a spiritual relationship with another individual. I really stay away from new age concepts like twinflames because they are mainly used as escape mechanisms for those who aren't willing to do actual spiritual work. So when I say soulmate I mean the path of integration or an individual who aids you to achieve liberation through the relationship.
To have a relationship we need to put down the "I" and be willing to become a "us", otherwise there's no room for any relationship, just egos fighting for the upper hand.
And this is actually the most common thing that happens in most romantic relationships. We find it easier to let go of our ego when it comes to our friends or for many people, even parents or grandparents. There's an interesting phenomenon that occurs in which we find it easier to respect friends or older family members than our own romantic partner.
This happens (in my particular experience and contemplations) due to us not being fully exposed in any other relationship, except with our romantic partner.
We might have high levels of intimacy with our friends and family, yet we do not partake in sexual interactions with them (generally speaking), so there's always a division between them and us, no matter how close we feel to them. In nakedness and closeness we are the most vulnerable we could ever be. It is a moment of complete surrender and most people manifest a version of themselves in bed, that they "hide" from everyday life.
And this is why the partner is the one who reflects us the most. Because yes, everyone is a reflection of us, but with everyone else they can only be partial reflections, since those relationships have sexual limitations. And with our partner, every part of us is revealed, and there are no limitations, and for that reason this makes them the complete reflection of us.
And so there are no masks left. Because they've seen all parts of us, we've seen all parts of them and they still love us, they're still here. We feel the "unconditionality" and we become too comfortable to do whatever we want.
This is why the very common situation of a mother taking all of her frustrations on a child happens. Children get resentful because they often aren't doing anything and the mother snaps at them, only later on (in some cases right away or after years) explaining it away as "well your father was driving me crazy!", "well I did that because I was stressed out!" etc. The mother feels the unconditional love the child has for her.
*Sidenote that I've read insane comments from mothers such as "you should have a child because otherwise you'll never know what is like to be loved unconditionally" on a video of a woman saying she didn't want to be a mother. It's absolutely disgusting to me that someone could say this without realizing how narcissistic it sounds. Literally using another human being to cater for YOUR need to be "loved unconditionally". Wow, just wow. Please be mindful of your choices, people. This is the type of parent that raises a child who will experience high levels of emotional trauma.*
Because of this "leverage" we tend to do the same with our partners. We might act nicely towards others in a day that we're stressed, but as soon as we're with the partner, we lash out, because we know (consciously or not) that they "will take it and forgive us for it". And so the most relevant relationship in our lives becomes more egoic than any other one.
As I mentioned earlier, to have a relationship we need to be willing to put down the "I" and become a "us". If we keep trying to control and be superior than our partner, we will never achieve a soulmate connection, we will never experience the bliss of uniting with one's divine lover. We will remain in the loneliness of the "I".
Initial relationships are easy, it's all interesting and new and nobody screwed anything up yet. It's easy to like them, to feel sexual desire for them at all times.
Then, the (seemingly) inevitable happens: the sexual desire dies down after awhile and the relationship either ends or becomes dull and people stay for being attached, for financial reasons, for fear, for guilt...Anything but actual desire to be together.
Sexual desire is the foundation for the soulmate relationship. It is the literal form of unity and works as magick for the couple. By performing the sexual act, you are generating the spiritual integration of yin and yang, not only physically, but spiritually as well. And with the "correct" practices, you have the potential to achieve blissful liberation.
What is liberation? Freedom from the limited self, from confusion, fear, anxiety, illusions, tension. From the story of the self, it's pain, hurt, trauma, limitations.
Through sex the couple generates the "holy spirit", a being that transcends the "I"s of both individuals and becomes One. This being is the liberated self of the couple. Full of vitality, joy, bliss, pleasure, creativity, beauty, splendor and spiritual power.
And it doesn't usually die down out of nowhere. I always say that I write from experiential knowledge, of my own life but also observation of lives around me, to gather the most common aspects and contemplate why they occur.
And what seems to be the most common scenario is: one of the partners (usually the yang partner) hurts the other in some way (cheating, lying, saying something, any type of thing that the other considers hurtful) and that's when the sexual connection starts to die down.
It was easier to feel sexual desire at first because all you saw was the partner. There was no story, no past of the relationship that came along when you thought about them or looked at them. Just them and the niceness of the start of romance. They were still ideal in your perspective.
Or sometimes what happens is one of them (usually the woman-yin) will feel intensity from a very toxic partner but because it excites her, she confuses that with passion and remains in a toxic connection, but this specific case I will elaborate on in the future. We will focus now on the more common and mundane problem of marriages or long-term romantic partnerships: the boredom and lack of interest in each other.
After the partner becomes too real and that real doesn't really fit into your ego's ideals, we start to reject them. Specially woman who have a much less physical and much more mental/emotional arousal. So we normally can't just shut off emotional issues and just have sex. Most of us need mental stimulation and safety to open up to arousal.
Another very common thing that woman do (generally speaking, of course) is seeing sex as a gift. So she uses it to punish the partner. If she is hurt by her partner, she will usually refrain from sex, even if she desires it, because to her, is as if she cannot give him pleasure and good things, he doesn't "deserve" it. Sex becomes a currency of "deservingness".
And because most man do not understand this (as their sexual impulse isn't tied to emotions) and do not care to ask, they judge the woman as cold and as if she just "doesn't want to have sex anymore" and he starts to indulge in other activities to pour his sexual energy into, usually porn and/or cheating.
I want to clarify that this is a specific type of dynamic that I'm discussing, and not at all stating that man only cheat because of this or that this is the only way this happens. If this doesn't apply to you, you might want to stay tuned for future contemplations on different dynamics such as: the toxic but exciting connection, the partner who feels undeserving and sabotages unconsciously, the mother who traded the husband for the child and more.
It is very difficult to salvage a relationship where the sexual desire is gone, because there's always one of the two who isn't willing to truly let go. The stories are still too alive. And when we say unconditional love, we might forget what this actually means and think we do love our partners unconditionally, yet we hardly ever do.
We might LIKE them unconditionally, you don't want them dead unconditionally, you still enjoy their company unconditionally, but love is an all encompassing force, so if you cannot feel desire for them anymore BECAUSE of what they did in the past of whatever conditional state they're in, then it is simply not a soulmate love. Their level of attraction diminished because of a condition, then it is, of course not conditional. But this is triggering because people separate love from sexual desire. Which is why most marriages fail, whether they divorce or not. Actually to me, divorce is not a failure, because at least they can see they need to move on from one another. A failure is staying in a relationship that is completely broken and no one is willing to work it out...It just stays that way until they die.
You're not seeing them purely. You're seeing them with the stains of the past, with the stains of the ego, with the story you created about them in your head. You are not willing to let go of the "I" anymore, because they are the wrong ones. They hurt you, or they gained or lost weight, or they are responsible for whatever conditionality is going on. So why would you and how could you feel any desire to connect with them sexually?
Well, hate to break to ya but this means your relationship is conditional and the love isn't well developed or strong enough.
When you deepen your relationship with someone, you are developing the quality of love you share for one another. And if that isn't done properly, then everything you feel towards each other will be based in conditions.
If they are confident when you met them but they lose that confidence, you will lose interest too. If they looked a certain way but don't anymore, you will lose interest too.
You don't love them, you are in love with conditions.
And you can argue all you want, "I DO love them!", but what is even love to you? Caring about their well being? That's not love, that's...Caring about their well being. You enjoy their company? Not love, enjoyment of their company. You have affection for them? Not love, affection.
None of these concepts are Love, they are other types of feelings that you labeled as love but they are not Love. Love isn't nice, soft or a positive thing. Love is the most powerful and destructive force in the Universe. It is unity.
When you unite two things that are opposites to one another, they destroy each other automatically. The uniting force is Love. What you experience after is annihilation or harmony.
Love isn't rational, it isn't something you can describe as "caring, being kind, likeness, affection", these are just things you do that are considered good. It has nothing to do with Love.
Love is what you create with someone, the third element, the holy spirit.
It is the force that will blow your "head" (ego) up and either liberate you, or you will not withstand it and self destroy.
I believe every relationship experiences love, but most cannot stand it's annihilating force.
If your partner cheats on you, it's easy to place blame and leave them. And that's okay if you think it's the act that serves you the most. But what about facing yourself through it? People are the way they are today (a complete mess) because they don't question anything. They are puppets reacting to life. They question absolutely nothing. "Oh it's what you're SUPPOSED to feel and do when you are cheated on: hate, reject, blame, feel bad, fee humiliated, feel betrayed, never trust again".
No, that's what WE CREATED to be. You do whatever you want but do not pretend that it is "how it's supposed to be" as if humans didn't create the concept of monogamy and fidelity.
Not saying (for goddess sake) that you need to put up with with shit. You do WHATEVER you want. But don't pretend anything, for your sake.
You can't possibly ever find any living being that will make you feel 100% sure they won't cheat or hurt you. They might try but we cannot predict anything, and trying to do so means you'll end up in boring relationships based in fear. You'll force yourself to be with someone you find unattractive because there are less chances of them cheating, or someone with some type of condition that you believe makes it harder for them to cheat. Not based in love, attraction, interest.
You need to deal with yourself in order to find peace within that yes, there is a possibility that you'll get betrayed. There's a possibility for anything in this life.
And that's okay. It might hurt, it probably will. But you need to work on yourself to find peace and detachment from these possibilities. Unless you prefer to take it very personal and create endless beliefs about you not being enough and always cheated on, and paranoias about every partner you have and you know, just live a "happy" life of being scared, feeling insufficient and insecure.
Love does that. It reveals the truth. Which most of us aren't willing to face.